Finding Ashlynn Read online

  “Can I do anything for you?” Jenna asked softly.

  “Nah, I’ll be fine. I’m skipping band practice tonight. Just gonna try to sleep it off.”

  “Will you let me bring you some soup or some medicine or… or something?”

  Even through the phone, she heard Ash sigh. Then she heard the squeaking of old bedsprings and the rustling of sheets. “You don’t need to come to my neighborhood,” Ash said. “It’s not real safe.”

  “I don’t care.”

  “I do.”

  Admittedly, it was nice to know Ash cared enough to not want her venturing into the dark underbelly of a side of town that frankly scared the crap out of Jenna, but right now, where Ash lived didn’t matter. Jenna didn’t want Ash to be alone and didn’t care if she had to brave the crime-ridden Westside to run to Ash’s aid.

  “Please, let me come over. I won’t stay long, I swear.”

  There was a long amount of silence, too long, and Jenna had the feeling it really had nothing to do with the part of town Ash lived in and more to do with Ash’s pride. The thing Ash didn’t understand was that nothing would change the way Jenna felt about her. Nothing would push Jenna away unless Ash didn’t want her around.

  “You don’t want me to see where you live, do you?” Jenna asked.

  “Not really.”

  “Why?”

  “Because.”

  Okay, Jenna could let it go and accept Ash’s not wanting her to see where she lived… for now. It sort of hurt Jenna’s feelings that Ash didn’t trust her not to be judgmental, but Ash wouldn’t know she could trust Jenna completely, not yet anyway.

  “Well, um…,” Jenna said softly, hoping the disappointment she felt didn’t seep through into her voice. “I guess I’ll let you get some rest.”

  “You know it’s not that I don’t want to see you, right? I mean, I really do.”

  “I know.”

  “Maybe I can come out and meet you tomorrow night,” Ash offered.

  “Just get better, okay?”

  “Okay.”

  “I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

  “Yeah, tomorrow,” Ash said, then the line went dead.

  Jenna fell back on her bed and hugged her phone to her chest. It felt completely silly to be so devastated for not being able to visit Ash while she was under the weather, but Jenna was devastated, completely and totally. She wanted nothing more than to help Ash get well, to make sure she was comfortable and taking care of herself, half because she knew Ash had no one else, half because she wanted to be the one by her side. But Jenna couldn’t be there because Ash didn’t want her to be.

  She rolled over onto her side, still holding the phone to her chest, still wearing the clothes and shoes she’d worn to school that day, and somewhere in her silly brooding, she fell asleep. It wasn’t until the alarm clock went off the next morning that Jenna realized she’d missed dinner and missed her homework, had missed her nightly ritual of showering, cleansing her face, and brushing her teeth. She’d even missed a text or two from Ash.

  One said, “I’m sorry.”

  The other said, “I wish you were here.”

  THURSDAY, when Ash woke up, she still felt like someone had set off a bomb inside her skull. The one night the weather had dropped more than twenty degrees, then abruptly rose again, had triggered a meltdown of all function from the neck up. Her whole body ached as if she’d been run over. Truth be told, she wanted to curl up in a ball and pass out for the next six months.

  But she wanted to see Jenna more.

  The clock on her phone told her she’d slept through lunch and into late afternoon. Jenna had sent her a text or two to check on her, but Ash had missed them both. Didn’t matter anyway, she wanted to hear Jenna’s voice and wanted to see her angelic, smiling face. Somehow, she knew Jenna would make her feel like a million bucks again.

  The only problem was, Ash didn’t want the suburban princess to see the squalor she lived in. This thing they had going on right now seemed to be on the right path to something bigger, and Ash didn’t want the roach motel she called a home ruining that for her.

  She sat up on the edge of the bed, flipped open her cheap cell phone again, and responded to the text Jenna had sent her earlier—just a simple “Hey, I’m alive” at first. She quickly followed with a second one that read “And I miss you.”

  Maybe she shouldn’t have sent that second one so soon. They’d only just met about two weeks ago and, with the exception of one utterly out-of-this-world night, they hadn’t spent any other time together. It seemed a little too soon for feelings like that… wasn’t it?

  When the phone vibrated against her hand, Ash nearly jumped out of her skin. It stole the breath she’d been fighting to take and sent her into a fit of coughing and sneezing, which meant she hadn’t really gotten any better, despite what she’d been commanding her body to do since yesterday. The phone vibrated again, and she realized Jenna hadn’t simply texted her back, but had called instead.

  “Hello?” she said, voice nasally, throat rough as sandpaper.

  “Poor thing,” Jenna said. “You sound horrible.”

  “I feel horrible.”

  “I won’t keep you. I, um… just wanted to check on you.”

  “No, you can keep me,” Ash blurted, and when she realized what she’d said, her cheeks all but caught fire, and it wasn’t from the fever she’d been running. “I meant, you’re not bothering me.”

  “I kinda liked the way you put it the first time.”

  The teasing lilt in Jenna’s voice made Ash smile. That was probably the first time she’d smiled since Wednesday. Oh yeah, Jenna could totally keep her.

  “I guess you’re out of school, huh?” Ash asked, quickly changing the subject.

  “Yeah, just got home.”

  “I have band practice tonight.”

  “You really should stay in bed. You won’t get better if you’re running around in the cold.”

  “It’s just as cold in the apartment. The heater’s broke. I called the maintenance man yesterday, but the dude hasn’t shown up.”

  “God, I would totally keep you warm,” she heard Jenna whisper.

  It sounded like something Ash wasn’t meant to hear, like one of those thoughts that haphazardly spilled out of the speaker’s mouth when it should’ve remained in the quiet confines of their brain. For a brief second, Ash thought about letting it go and pretending Jenna had never said anything, but she couldn’t do it. For some silly reason, she wanted Jenna to know she felt the same way.

  “I wish you could keep me warm….”

  “All you have to do is let me come over,” Jenna drawled. “I’ll stay and cuddle and take care of you and—”

  “Jenna….”

  “Ash, I don’t care where you live. I don’t care how much money your dad makes. I’m not that shallow. I only care about making you feel better, ’kay? Please let me.”

  Ash really couldn’t deny the desperation in Jenna’s pleading. She didn’t get it, didn’t understand why Jenna cared so much, but clearly, Jenna did. Honestly, Ash wanted nothing more than to have Jenna there with her, keeping her company and helping her through the righteous cold she’d developed, but she couldn’t bring herself to tell Jenna to come over. The idea of Jenna’s nose curling when she saw the cracked and mildewing walls, or having Jenna look horrified by the idea of sitting on the toilet, made Ash’s gut knot. She couldn’t do it. She couldn’t let Jenna see the ratty furniture and the broken windows. She couldn’t let Jenna see there was no food in the fridge. The idea of Jenna being disgusted with her and her life… well, it tore at Ash’s heart.

  “I’ll see you tomorrow,” Ash finally said. “I’ll be at the meeting, I promise.”

  “Ashlynn….”

  “Good night, Jenna,” she said and hung up the phone before Jenna had a chance to beg her not to.

  Chapter Ten

  “YOU look like someone stole your favorite toy,” Stella—or rather Steven—said as h
e hooked his arm around Jenna’s. She smelled the Nautica cologne he only wore at school or in front of his parents.

  “I’m okay,” Jenna said with a shrug.

  Though most of their fellow students were incredibly happy it was Friday, Jenna couldn’t bring herself to share in their joy. Last night had been a rough one. She hadn’t slept well, not after the conversation with Ash ended the way it did. The tone in Ash’s sickly voice hadn’t been hostile, but frustrated, as if Jenna’s asking to come over was no better than beating a dead horse and really only got on Ash’s nerves.

  “Hey,” Steven said, pulling Jenna back. “What’s wrong with you?”

  Jenna sighed. “Have you ever really wanted to get close to someone, but they keep pushing you away?”

  “No, I’m normally the one pushing people away before they can get too close.”

  He dropped his stare down the length of his body, the soft blue T-shirt hugging his slender form and the faded jeans hanging down to his Nikes. He never looked as happy as Steven as he did as Stella, and Jenna wished like hell he would just come out already. She loved her best friend in either a dress or jeans, but she loved her best friend more when he smiled and had that glowing, free spirit she’d come to adore.

  “Right.” Jenna hugged her books to her chest and turned to walk down the hall. Steven stayed close by, and after a few quiet minutes, Jenna admitted, “I want to get close to Ashlynn. I mean, if nothing else, just to be her friend, but I don’t know. I don’t think she wants the same thing.”

  “Well, I can tell you she’s definitely interested in you.”

  Giving Steven a sideways grin, Jenna perked up a bit and asked, “Really?”

  “Oh my God, you should’ve seen her last Friday night. She looked so bummed when you didn’t show up. And after I gave her your number, she couldn’t wait to get out of there.”

  “We spent the night together.”

  “See? How could you say she’s not interested?” Steven gave her a nudge and a wink. “I gotta go, sweetie. You want me to pick you up tonight?”

  “Please.”

  “Okay.” He kissed her temple, then took off down the hall.

  She watched him walk away, watched as he stifled the sway of his naturally curvy hips and squared his shoulders. Steven—or Stella—had the kindest heart of anyone Jenna had ever known, and she wished more than anything he—or she—could find someone caring enough to see past the body Stella was put in and love her for her soul.

  The remainder of the day carried on in slow motion. It seemed like every tick of the minute hand on the clock took twice as long to go by. Jenna tried to make herself stop staring, but every time she looked away, she thought about Ash and how nothing would make her happier than seeing her punky friend, like right now.

  When the end of the school day came, she couldn’t wait to get home. She might’ve even pushed the speed limit just a little. She took a shower and dressed in something cute, but not as frilly and flowery as she normally wore. The shirt was black and the hoodie pink. Faded jeans and black, heeled boots finished the look. As always, she used her makeup sparingly, but rained Victoria’s Secret perfume down over her body. Then she headed outside to wait for Stella.

  As the sun descended on the horizon, Jenna sat on the front porch swing, watching the bright pink-and-gold sky fade to dark blue. The moon was full and the stars twinkled brightly. Cool air gusted by again and again, making her shiver with each pass, whipping the American flag around in the night.

  She kept her phone between her hands, wondering if Ash would ever text her again. Neither one had sent a single message all day, and Jenna missed her more than she probably should have.

  “Please let her be there tonight,” she whispered toward the sky. “I want to see her again.”

  Headlights appeared at the entrance to her street. They grew bright and closer, too quickly for it to be anyone from Jenna’s neighborhood. Everyone always took it very slow cruising through there, even when there were no kids out playing to beware of. She hooded her eyes with the length of her forearm, and only then could she make out the little red import behind it.

  Stella was there.

  Jenna popped her head inside the door and yelled, “Mom, Dad, Stella’s here. I’m going. I’ll be back later.” She didn’t wait for her parents to acknowledge her before tearing down the driveway and right up to Stella’s car. When she opened the door, club music and the scent of Stella’s Victoria’s Secret perfume hit her hard.

  “Where did you change clothes?” Jenna said as she climbed into the passenger seat.

  “At the library. No one even noticed me.”

  “Because you look like a woman, sweetie.”

  “I’m all woman,” Stella said with a flirty laugh as she punched the gas pedal to the floorboard.

  With Stella taking the road at speeds uncomfortable for Jenna, they arrived at the community center with about ten minutes to spare. The advisers were already there, preparing the room for the night’s meeting. A few of the boys were hanging out on the couch. The others hadn’t arrived yet. More importantly, Ash wasn’t there either.

  Shoulders sagging, Jenna slinked into the room with Stella regally sauntering behind her. Jenna sat down in her normal spot—one of the two overstuffed chairs across from the couch. Stella took her normal spot as well. They didn’t say anything to each other because Jenna wasn’t really in the mood for talking, and Stella recognized Jenna’s icky moods better than anyone.

  Jenna looked down at her phone. Ash still hadn’t texted her, and honestly, Jenna was afraid their conversation last night marked the end of anything that could’ve existed between them. It made Jenna want to cry. She’d only wanted to take care of Ash, nothing more, nothing less.

  Chapter Eleven

  ASH tightened her hoodie around her body. The night was much cooler than it had been before, and every gust of wind felt like needles prickling against her warm cheeks. She wasn’t 100 percent well yet, but felt a whole lot better than she had yesterday, and she couldn’t wait to see Jenna again.

  When she opened the door, she spotted Jenna first, curled up on one of the overstuffed chairs. She was staring down at her phone as if she were reading something or maybe waiting on a text. The expression on her face gave away her worry—the pursed brows, the way she chewed her bottom lip… the way she wasn’t paying attention to her best friend.

  Ash wondered if that worry had anything to do with her.

  She stepped into the room and, when Stella’s stare landed on Ash, a smile spread her bright-red lips. She gave Jenna a nudge. Jenna raised her head, and it seemed as if everything in the world suddenly stopped. The two of them were in a tunnel and nothing outside that circle of light existed.

  Hugging herself a little tighter, Ash gave Jenna a subtle smile—an I’m-so-glad-to-see-you look. When Jenna’s grin grew wider, Ash’s entire body instantly warmed. Ash nodded toward the door, signaling for Jenna to join her outside the room. She wanted to hug Jenna and kiss her at least once without everyone seeing them. Plus, she really had something she needed to say.

  Jenna stood and headed across the room. Ash held the door open, waiting for the most beautiful girl in the world to walk through. She caught a whiff of Jenna’s perfume in passing and only then did she realize how badly she’d missed being so close to Jenna. She missed the clean scent of flowers and the way Jenna’s skin glistened, missed the warmth she felt when she found herself in Jenna’s arms.

  As the door closed behind them, Ash reached out for Jenna’s hand and pulled her into a hug. Ash buried her face against the curve of Jenna’s neck and just… breathed. That’s all she could do for a second or two, just breathe in the long-missed scent of perfection.

  “I’m sorry about last night,” Ash whispered. “I wanted to see you. I really did.”

  She felt Jenna’s arms wrap around her, felt the weight of Jenna’s hand at her lower back, and Ash relaxed in her hold.

  “You don’t have to apologize,
” Jenna said. “I understand why you didn’t want me coming over—I mean, I don’t—but I do, if that makes sense. I just… I wanted to take care of you. I hated the idea of you being sick and alone, with no one to make you soup or… whatever. Ya know?”

  “Yeah, I know. I would’ve loved the company, I promise.” Ash raised her head and looked Jenna right in the eyes. “I’m not ready for you to see my place. I… I gotta know it won’t turn you off of me before I can take you there.”

  “It won’t, sweetie.” Jenna cradled Ash’s cheek with her warm hand and her gentle, slender fingers. “But I understand.”

  “Thank you,” Ash whispered.

  She closed her eyes and pressed her lips to Jenna’s. Nothing deep or passionate, nothing lewd or inappropriate. Just a simple, chaste kiss to let Jenna know how grateful Ash was for her being so understanding. Though honestly, it felt amazing to be that close to Jenna again.

  The sound of someone clearing their throat pulled the girls away from each other. They looked over at exactly the same time and found Stella giving them a smirk. She said, “They’re ready to start. You two gonna join us?”

  “Yeah,” Ash half laughed as she wrapped her fingers around Jenna’s hand.

  Jenna’s cheeks had turned that adorable shade of rose again.

  Stella held the door as they walked back into the meeting room and joined the little circle of the twelve or so guys and girls, some who religiously came to the Friday-night meetings. Jenna told Ash to take the chair and Jenna sat down on the floor in front of her, nestled between Ash’s legs. She laid her head on the inside of Ash’s knee. And though the advisers started to talk and do the round robin introductions for the straggling newcomers, Ash couldn’t help finding herself lost in the feel of Jenna cuddling against her leg.

  Halfway through the meeting, somewhere between pizza and the worst karaoke Ash had ever heard, she decided she couldn’t take any more off-key renditions of Glee songs, and fighting the urge to kiss Jenna had become too hard. She hung in there for as long as she could, knowing how much Jenna loved being at the Friday night get-togethers, but Ash had had enough already.